When spirit inspired me to right this blog I was resistant because I am in the process of processing this emotion. If you asked me if I feel shameful, I would have been thrown off by this question. Shame is a common human experience. Shame is when we judge aspects of ourselves as wrong or adopted others judgement. We create separation within us and we hold onto the emotional pain. Shame causes us to hide, protect ourselves and not be vulnerable. Shame can hold us to remain small and hidden. Shame prevents us from loving what we do not prefer. Here's the irony. . . what we do not prefer, is wanted. Nothing is random or by accident.
I've always been tall. I remember when I realized I was different when I went to Kindgergarden and took that first class picture. I was the only girl in the back row. I'm not sure when I started to make myself small but I suspect when I started to develop breast early. I stood out. I even remember my ballet teacher telling me, "Isabelle you can't be a ballerina your breast are too big and you are too tall."
I share this experience to show you how the seed of shame can be planted. As I grew older I attracted men staring at my chest. Humor is my defense mechanism and would make jokes about my permanent shelf or my floating devices that are attached. Along the way I created a barrier of fat, I wanted to be seen for my mind and not my body. Yup totally scared.
There are other reasons for the protection, mothers are not to be sexy, it is not safe to be admired, being tall I am seen.
Shame is universal. I have a deeper understanding that I was holding onto my emotional pain, hence why my protective barrier I created stayed. I no longer need this protection. With practice. . . pushing past fear and processing has become easier for fear can be intense, deep, hidden and painful.
We actually came here to experience shame. Isabelle Zimmerman what!?!
When you can accept what you are shameful about and I mean you forgive yourself and others. Your body did not betray you. Your body is a messenger expressing your beliefs. Showing your emotional pain and resistance to what is. I had a love hate relationship with my body. I realized I was mad at the compass for pointing me in a the wrong direction. The compass was never wrong, it was my own fear preventing me from seeing it clearly.
Shame is the exploration of lack of love for self. Lack of esteem. Lack of worthiness. I am grateful I experienced deep rooted shame. For when I go through the dimension of shame, and stop resisting I can move into self acceptance and more love. This is a journey of self discovery. To believe in yourself.
And so . . . Scooby Doo Detectives are you ready to look for clues? What are you ashamed of? What makes you want to hide and pull the covers over your head. Can you soften this judgement? Can you forgive? Jedi Master level, can you love what you are ashamed of?